GROOM 101: The Basics of Being the Groom
Surely, you will never imagine the sequence of events that one little question, 'will you marry me?' sets in motion. After you proposed, you probably started wondering, "What next?" You have already run through most of the issues that men consider before engagement: home, financial security, children, etc. Planning the actual wedding is something you have likely not considered at all. To help you become better informed, we offer a few tips on where to go from here. Remember one important thing-it is not her party. She will be planning this event for both of you, so your constant support, understanding, and participation in the planning is vital to her. Most guys think if they stay out of the way and reply 'whatever you think, dear', their fiancýe will be happy, but nothing is further from the truth. She wants you to at least pretend to care about the details and offer an opinion.
Getting Busy
Usually, the bride and the groom select their attendants just as soon as the date and location are set. You should select and ask your best man and groomsmen to give them plenty of advance notice to plan and budget. Choose your best man carefully. He typically helps with details and correspondence, organizes the bachelor party, briefs the groomsmen before the ceremony, holds the ring, and offers a toast to the bride and groom at the reception and rehearsal dinner. The primary job of the groomsmen is to serve as ushers at the wedding, though may be asked to do more. The number of groomsmen you'll need will depend on the formality and size of the wedding. You need one usher for approximately every 50 guests.
Once you have asked the men to stand up with you at the wedding, you need to select their wedding attire. Bridesmaids and groomsmen should match in formality but do not have to match in color, like the prom. Each attendant is responsible for renting or buying his own clothing, unless you are willing to pay for it. If that is the case, tell the men when you ask them so there is no misunderstanding about who is paying for what.
It is tradition for the groom to give each groomsman or usher a gift as a thank you for their years of friendship and support. This can be done at the rehearsal dinner, bachelor party, or even on the wedding day. Some perennial favorites include fountain pens and monogrammed flasks, but anything thoughtful is appropriate.
THE GROOM'S TASKS
There are traditional responsibilities that the groom usually handles, but each couple should determine what works best for them. The groom may be better able to follow up on details than the bride-to-be because of career, school responsibilities, or proximity to the wedding city. A thoughtful gesture is to offer to sit down together to review the wedding planning calendar and split up the many tasks. This will show her you understand the enormous project she has on her hands and are there to help and support her through it all.
The Guest List
The groom is responsible for compiling his side of the guest list. He is also responsible for getting his family's list. It is best for the couple to make a first draft and then trim the guest list as necessary to work within the budget.
Wedding Bands
The couple should select their wedding bands together. They can be matching or not, but the bride's band should be matched to her engagement ring so they fit together comfortably. Some couples have a phrase, personal sentiment, initials, or names engraved with their wedding date inside the ring. Allow plenty of time for this personalization or you may not have rings for the ceremony.
Marriage License and Blood Test
It is the groom's responsibility to research the license and blood test requirements in the marriage city. Some cities have relaxed requirements; others are more complicated. Again, make the necessary arrangements well in advance or you may not be legally married on the day of your wedding. If you are marrying outside the United States, make sure to obtain the necessary documentation to insure your marriage will be legally recognized back home upon your return. Check with the local government where the marriage will take place to find out what must be done and how far in advance. Use the Internet as a resource before you depart and especially rely on the expertise of your hotel or wedding venue staff.
Transportation
Guys like cars. This is the only reason we can come up with to understand why this is one of the groom's details. However, he is responsible for arranging transportation for the couple to and from the ceremony and away from the reception. The vendor selected should be highly recommended with a reliable and well-serviced fleet, not just selected by price. There is nothing worse than going to 'Plan B' status because the limo did not show up because the car broke down and they have no back up cars or drivers. The best man should keep the telephone numbers with emergency numbers for the service and driver. The contracts should state the total cost, length of service, over time charges, the driver's attire, location, and time of pick-up.
Toasts
During the rehearsal dinner or wedding reception, the best man and groom both typically give a toast. Traditionally, the groom will express his good fortune in marrying his bride, as well as thanking his parents, in-laws, and friends for coming to the wedding and taking part in the festivities.
Wedding Night Accommodations
Unless the couple is leaving directly from the reception on their honeymoon, the groom should make reservations for the wedding night. Many hotels have special honeymoon or wedding night packages and love to roll out the red carpet for newly married couples. Ask for their help in coming up with something special. Don't forget to carry her over the threshold, no matter where you spend that first night as husband and wife.
Honeymoon
At one time, it was customary for the groom to surprise the bride with the honeymoon, but today, the bride is usually very involved in the decision-making process. When you join forces, you can combine frequent flyer miles to upgrade flights, hotels, or add on other amenities. Even if the couple plans the honeymoon together, it is the groom's responsibility to make the arrangements and pay for the trip. You may want to add a day trip, excursion, spa package, or other thoughtful gesture as a romantic surprise for your bride. Don't try to do too much the first two days. Take some time to relax, unwind, and get to know one another as husband and wife after the hectic year of wedding activities. Keep travel to a minimum once you arrive, if possible. If you must change locations, make sure to confirm all arrangements as soon as you arrive to avoid any last minute problems.
BACK AT HOME
As a special touch, ask a friend or family member to stop by your home before you arrive from the honeymoon to drop off a huge bouquet of flowers and her favorite takeout meal. When you arrive home, your new bride will be thrilled that she does not have to worry about household chores and that you have thought of her.